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Sta.sh
so, by way of warning heres the "grain of salt" with which to take my criticism. i have a tendency to talk too much, over analyze and rewrite the eff out of other peoples stuff. so bear in mind this is all stuff that i would do and just because i say something needs work that doesnt mean it necessarily does.
furthermore i think editing all depends on ones mood. as does reading, distractions around you, levels of focus, music in the background...i think it all sort of plays into what the reader sees. i could be reading this any other day and find different things to change. as im sure youve found out by now, what you thought needed work once might just have been better off left alone. i think the goal of any writer ought not to be how well they write from the get go but to lower the frequency of bad edits, the first draft sort of falls in place when good editing really becomes second nature. anyway theres a little prologue...im going to quote bits from your story and then my comments...itll all be in chronological order so i trust that youll know what im talking about anytime i have something to say...
par 1:
"...every hour, on the hour...Each time they announced their presence, the soldiers would run back to their posts...only to realize they weren't sounding the attack, just their assault on breakfast."
this concept is a bit unclear. i think i get whats going on but it is a bit clunky for an opening paragraph. they're all good lines, good ideas but together i think it could benefit from some unity.
"What was he doing here? A decade ago..."i think these questions right at the beginning combined with the characters past are a bit cliche and overdone. the reader is already going to be asking them. that being said i dont know a better way to do it, as my novel more or less does about the same thing. but then again maybe because im so used to editing and rewriting my own that it just feels cliche to me....
"rosary like a pair of dog tags…" <love that comparison
damned and bastard are redundant (also i have feelings about anime's favorite swearword being overused) the rest of the paragraph is great though
drop the "or" before 2012, for better flow, also the end of that sentence, i think has too many concepts in it all jumbled together. you have the time of the apocalypse, who the good guys are, who the bad guys are and what theyre fighting over all i one. i think "blasphemer-loving" is a bulky word. i tend to find that words people have in their heads are also ones theyd say aloud, and blasphemer-loving..well i dunno sounds off... too many syllables or something...blaspheming f*** i think sounds more rigid...but thats me...
"Sean could still remember every bit of those dark days… even worse than the ones now." clarify? or maybe you do later, which will be fine...its nothing huge that need attention NOW..per se....just read the next bit...id liek to see a line here about the dark days that were worse being worse because of the worlds' unpreparedness or something..i think this concept kinda shows up but doesnt get touched, either finish the thought it out...man i sound like a deuchebag dont i? ( i think im over analyzing, but hey these are my initial reactions.)
its starting to seem like youre "..." happy... so am i, but they can trip people up ive found, also too many of them detract from their value...anyway just something to try and balance ( i dislike commas and having to use them, but its something ive got to live with)
"tearing each other to piece." missed an "s"
next bit is cool, but i think the US needs a "The" before it.
"How wrong we were…"
"Unbeknownst to their silly mortal awareness," youve got we and they switching back and fourth... id try and reconcile. just to keep the voices consistent.
"The third sign took place there, in the fields of Asgard, home of the Aesir… or gods, as they are more commonly known. " the immediate switch to present tense makes the bit about aesir being called gods sound out of place. but saying they were knows as that wouldnt be accurate, not sure what to do here but it could be cleaned up somehow i think.
"The details were fuzzy, even for Sean, who'd lived for more than a decade after Ragnarök, or as some of the youngins born post-apocalypse liked to call him, The Old Breed." feels rather run on. i really like the feel that concept gives sean, to be one of the "old breed" really good for character dynamic i think, nice idea.
"Unlike like the other Aesir, such as Odin, Thor, and Baldur, Loki, the god of trickery, was not actually from Asgard, or even the Aesir at all." needs clarification with the list of names and the grammar with "or (from) the aesir at all.
Jotünn..... Scandinavian languages dont use the ü its spelled jötunn. also with two n's. (heh...sorry i speak swedish so i see that stuff)
"During one of the many battles between the Aesir and their foe" you can just say them, youre already talking about both.
"But the other Aesir"
you dont need the "but" (no im not going to say you cant begins a sentence with but....you just dont need it here, and agents like lower word counts...its less to print and cheaper to publish)
"treated as a second class citizen in the halls of Asgard(period) (H)his only true friend in Odin, who, in his duties as chieftain over all the gods, could not give him the attention he desired.
"...Loki matured into a bitter man(.) (T)the magic he used to hide his jotün appearance twisting(ed) and contort(ed)ing inside him to form a malicious power."
"In the dead of night, Loki left Asgard through the bifrost, a gateway between the realm of Asgard and Midgard, the home of man." another clunky one with lots of info packed together.
(dont mind my pickiness but dark elves arent from jötunheim, but theres no reason they cant be in your story...ill leave original myth out for the rest of my critique. just to get an idea of where im coming from my story is about mythology being true as well so ive been a bit of a perfectionist concerning the origins of it all...)
"bearing his teeth." its bared and you've used it really recently. id try a different verb (you spelled it right though, before, spell check probably jacked this one up)
"letting his spear point dropped." < what'd you do change the tense and forget to get the rest of the line? omg i do that ALL the time when i fix stuff.
"His army rebelled in their triumph," you mean reveled? doesn't make sense for them to rebel again once they've successfully rebelled.
...dot dot dot's again...be careful
"What came next ... least of all Davys." say sean, cause i wasnt sure if it was him you were talking about or not.
theres a lowercase jötun in that paragraph.
"Yggdrasil... It(s) roots and branches..." i think that the magnet bit is a really neat way to think about it but that the explanation could use some clarifying and artistic flair perhaps.
"among its roots, were the last of the realm(S)?
"Millions died… if not billions." id do it like this: "Millions died. Billions." well maybe not...but i think the emotion were trying to convey here is shock, the word "if" sort of negates that a bit i think...anyway thats one of those artistic flair things...take it as you will
"this was there life..." *their*
the line about not forgetting but settling all the same kinda reminds me of one of my lines....[link] (shameful plug)
"He was in the same boat as he." need to fix that...
wow, suicide? that was random. sean seemed much stronger thus far. the idea that hed be contemplating suicide doesnt really seem in character. id adjust my description of him before to leave some room for doubt of bag the suicide bit. or add a whole new even that spins his take on life dramatically enough to contemplate ending it. or maybe he could be thinking of someone else who had done it, and there you could fit his thoughts and maybe even a thought about what would happen if he was considering suicide too...anyway i think you see what i mean.
"a plate of burnt rat and potatoes. Good ol' siege food." LOL wish i had thought up that line...
"Again, he stood" <lacks proper punctuation.
"I need a drink...He waited, expecting them to just ignore them(him?) you mean?
"Normally, the jotün and Davys never really saw eye-to-eye, no pun intended," i find the no pun intended bit a break in the narrator-reader relationship and a little disturbing
"Probably the same reason I needed a drink and why the rat was so good today." italicize this sucker or drop the "i"
"Jotün mead. Might as will be drinking rubbing alcohol." im no alcohol expert but meads made with honey, so wouldnt this be some different kind of drink? but once again i dont know my booze...id have just said spirits. (that word makes it sound stronger anyway i think)
"Oddly, relief flooded through him. It was strange, nothing about the situation should have been relieving, but it was like a weight had left his shoulders. Today, he was going to die, but he felt a sudden rush of euphoria. He could have stood their and contemplated this feeling, but he just adjusted his shield, shifted his belt, and reaffirmed his grip on his axe. Now was the time for fighting." love this: this paragraph reminds me of my lead character a bit...but id like it even if it didn't.
"the remaining, uneaten horses nickering and whinnying..." ha nice one
i like how you remembered your post apocalyptic view of the world...at first i read tundra grass, and was liek wtf theres no tundra in germany...then i remembered how post apocalyptic ice age-ish the world is, so nice imagery keep up on that we readers sometimes forget.
"No artillery, Davys mused, studying the host, but I don't like the look of those ladders…" i think this thought might be better said aloud with quotations. if not try rewording the second bit, even people that talk to themselves dont tend to say stuff like that unless they say it out loud...i think anyway...
"Nordic-like men who could have (put in "almost") passed for jotün themselves if they were a bit bigger (then take out "bigger") and grayer, he seemed to demand attention.
"...he didn't need this guy to tell him what to do, least of all his words." wtf does "least of all his words" mean?
"...but Davys just played with his axe in his hands." id use "THE axe in his hands" makes for better flow
"an raised hill" dontcha love those sneaky a's and an's
"But every time one man stumbled into the mud with an arrow..." you dont need the but, and if you can avoid them id recommend it.
“With the help of one of the elven archers, he and Sean…” the ‘he’ in this sentence is Sean…id just put they or the pair or just ‘he’ since we know the elf is helping.
“All around them, the ramparts were swarming with bodies as more and more enemies hurtled themselves over the ramparts.” The double usage of ramparts gets in the way of the flow.
“Archers abandoned there bows…” *their*
“one could easily mistake a friend for an enemy.” But I thought you just said dark elves are nothing like light elves…so wouldn’t they be pretty easy to tell the difference? Maybe explain if there are other races involved so as to clear the confusion.
“…the axe in his hand was second nature to him, he wasn't a master by any means,” put a period and start a new sentence for “He wasn't a push over either.”
“As the two fought, Sean turtled…” I like to see that im not the only one who wanted to use turtle as a verb…I don’t think I ended up keeping but yeah…theres no confusion as to what its supposed to mean…I don’t think so anyway.
“Sean tore his weapon away, newly released blood arcing away from it.” Id say it like this: Sean tore his weapon away, arcing blood overhead; or something to that effect, keep it short and sweet. Don’t need the newly released or the double away. Keep pacing in mind. Shorter sentences make for faster action scenes.
“The axe came down again… not stopping his attack…” does he really have time for all this? I mean in all the movies you wonder why people wouldn’t go around cheap shotting their busy enemies. Wait…don’t use that…im gonna put that in mine somewhere.…hehe
“With a heinous crack,” nice choice of words, I don’t think ive heard it before and I like it.
“With the first one down,” I thought sean had already knocked one down, and surely someone else had as well…
“They stood in oddly ordered rows…” that’s got a good ring to it, but now that I examine it im not sure wtf an oddly ordered row means….but so what it sounds good and I like it.
“unhinged by the music of war.” Another gem….youve got a future doing this professionally methinks.
Something about that made Sean smile, as disturbing as it was, (period, new sentence) it was satisfying for Havnier to finally see what fighting actually was.” Wait what? You should expand that, took me a few read-overs to get what you meant. It’s a good concept and benefit from an extra line about it.
A creaking of ropes.
Yeah I saw the comments, you’re good with the first three of these… then try finding a different way of writing the ‘crack’ repetition can be a tool but it’s a dangerous one. Modern English just doesn’t afford too much or it.
“What were the chances of keeping them at the gate?” you just asked what the chances were….id drop this second line. The one just before this was well said and well placed, this one is cumbersome
“His axe took somebody in the neck.” The way you said ‘took’ makes you sound like you know wtf youre doing as a writer…at the professional level that is. keepin’ it subtle and stylish.
“Sean head was filled with the ideas,” missed an “s”
“What were the chances of holding them if we retreated to the keep?
What were the chances of escaping if he hurled himself of the wall?
What were the chances of them boarding up the castle and tunneling their way to freedom?
What were the chances they could live for just one more hour?” This is just too much….you can ask all these questions but you got to do it some other way.
“The wargs were inside the walls now, tearing their way through the masses. Jotün battled on both sides, turning heads to pulp and ripping limbs off.” I think you ought to mention wargs on the ladders or on the walls or even just down on the ground waiting to sate their bloodthirst. They are like an artillery that carries a great suspense with them. Id mention them before now. Also I think this list could do with a third type of unit and what theyre doing to decimate. Dark elves or …whatever. Nothing too long though you’ve got a good pace with this break here you can add a couple lines but you don’t want to overdo it…the last line you have here describing the units and the battle should be shorter and more blunt to get the reader back into the thick of things before you take down havnier. Itll set that action up a lot better. And when/if you add cand change this paragraph up it might be a good idea to save the warg mention till last as part of the setup for the havnier takedown. As it is right now the jötun mention feels kinda fumbled, in the way of the wargs or more cool battle description.
“The elf that looked at him strangely earlier took a javelin through the thigh…” I know I said I liked the way you used took a bit ago but here so soon after that great unique way to use it. it feels artificial, id try a synonym and save took again for later.
“What were the chances for ten minutes? Five minutes?
What were the chances… all of it… Loki… Odin… Ragnarök…
The chances… Survival… Food… Shelter… Safety…
The chances… Sanity…
Chances…”
What are the chances the reader is sick of chances… heh sorry that was kinda mean but I couldn’t resist. (don’t fret though the story is still good, that’s an easy fix)
“A jotün was charging towards him now. (same sentence, use a comma) Gore covered club in his hand.”
“Lips curled into a snarl.” Incomplete sentence, merge with last or make it its own…I think it might stand out on its own if that’s what you want to stand out, compared to the gore covered club which is your other power line in this thought.
“Sean took the first blow with his shield, but the thing splintered into pieces like it was made of glass, his arm shattering with a snap.” Some confusion between whats happening to his arm and his shield…
“One bullet. Six chambers.” You didn’t mention this before did you? Because done in a subtle way could act as a great tie in with the rest of the chapter. Id make sure you had it in there before, maybe if you go with the whole suicide bit.
“He had never thought of actually using it, so he never really bothered checking. “ why then did he bother carrying the gun around if he wasn’t going to use it? Seems like hed have pawned it off for some better-than-rat food long ago…
“One in six… one in six… one in six…
What were the chances?”
See that’s a good tie in with the chances bit, just don’t over do them before, but this is great writing here. Keep in mind what I said about the one bullet in six…if it was mentioned before the reader will be like OH I should hahve seen that coming, but of course if you do it right they wont have,
Well there you have it…your story regurgitated out of my hands….i really liked it. And since i acquired that knowledge I found out you were only 17….so im floored…I wont dare show you what kind of crap I was writing when I was 17…thatd ruin my career…(assuming that this writing thing pans out for me) anyway very excellent concept. And by way of overall crituqe…id work on the history-recap bit with loki and all the norns. Its definitely the weakest part of the story and as it comes near the beginning (which is a good spot for it) it really needs to read much better. Id consider several rewrites, all very differently, in order to get it just right.
So yeah great story, killer concept and theres plenty of “big combos” in there, unique blending of words, artistic flair and the like…id love to read more, and im willing to go through it again like this…if y’know, it doesn’t put you off…
One thing I like to do when I get critique, especially larger ones is take a sample of what that person has written just to see what sort of credibility they have. (Yes I know I have my own selfish motives for getting you to read my book, shhhh) but seriously though don’t feel obligated to check it out….i just really do think youd like it a lot…I think its right up your alley…anyway thanks and ill see you around.
Keep it up, youll be getting paid to do this before long…
Par:
"...every hour, on the hour...Each time they announced their presence, the soldiers would run back to their posts...only to realize they weren't sounding the attack, just their assault on breakfast."
I notice the problem as well, the ideas are clear, but the presentation could do with some tuning, perhaps better word choice? I'll have to experiment.
"What was he doing here? A decade ago..."
The thing is, i want him to seem relatable, more basic, a simple, easily predictable person in an adverse situation. He's less of a stereotype and more of an archetype if anything. It also bears noting that he is not the main character of the story, which i write in a 1st person perspective, but a side character to establish the setting, situation, and universe. I *may* or *may not* bring him back as side character. (I know what i'm doing with him, but that's for me to know
I use damned bastards in conversation all the time, it's redundant, but a common phrase. Every character has their own voice, Davys talks like that, so i write him like that.
Try reading the 'or 2012' sentence aloud. Sometimes, writing is just as good clunky as it is flowing. So the way i wrote Davy's mental voices, it goes: "It wasn't Y2K, OR 2012, OR zombies", the 'or' is the break that helps the write stop for just a moment more and have those words settle in to recognition. Not everything has to be grammatically correct or flowing, some of the best poetry and short stories are filled with inconsistencies and breaks that acually mean something.
"Sean could still remember every bit of those dark days… even worse than the ones now." I can see the problem, i meant to say 'every bit of of those beginning dark days', which alludes to the beginning chaos that engulfed earth when the realms combined into one, which eventually calmed down over the years and the peoples began to understand and accept their new world.
I've noticed that too. Sometimes i feel like it's good to have that pause, i'll the character who is thinking it is unsure or thinking. But sometimes i'm just better off with a clever use of italics or commas.
"How wrong we were…"
"Unbeknownst to their silly mortal awareness."
'How wrong we were...' is actually a direct thought from Davys, as it's in italics, similar to dialogue without quotes. The other is the narrarator's words.
"The third sign took place there, in the fields of Asgard, home of the Aesir… or gods, as they are more commonly known."
Merely a tense screw up, i can fix that.
"The details were fuzzy, even for Sean, who'd lived for more than a decade after Ragnarök, or as some of the youngins born post-apocalypse liked to call him, The Old Breed."
I can easily break this up into two sentences and preserve focus.
Shit... i've been mispelling it the whole time... To the spell check! My spelling was due to a misconception (which i should have doublechecked
"During one of the many battles between the Aesir and their foe"
True, i tend to reiterate things a bit much.
"But the other Aesir"
You're right, i've never thought about it like that.
I don't know where you're getting that the dark elves are from Jotunheim in my book, i clearly state that Loki gathered the jotunn from Jotunheim, the dwarves from Nidavellir, and the dark elves from Svartleheim.
"bearing his teeth"
Fixed.
"letting his spear point dropped."
Just me typing to fast and not doing a complete edit. Fixed.
"His army rebelled in their triumph,"
It's an expression, popular in the metal music culture. I probably used it in my bias, as i love metal, but i can see how it's confusing in the context. Reveled is a much better word.
"What came next ... least of all Davys."
It's an inter-transition for the character. Davys is the one who is stuck in the past, the one focused on everything he lost and not what he truly needs to survive. The man before Ragnarok if you will. But Sean is the person inside of him that is the fighter, the survivor, the thought process he needs to succeed in such a harsh world as this. His full name is Sean Davys, so maybe some people might miss what i'm trying to do with it, but the people who notice it will take so much more away from the story.
I have debated with myself with capitalizing the names of the different races in my book, so i sometimes have some accidental confusion while type. it should be uncapitilzed though. I did this because we only capitalize things like English, or Italian, or African-American, but do we cap the human? That's essentially what jotunn would be, not a country or heritage, but their species, so it remains uncapped. So you'll find some of these cap accidents regarding the diffrent races.
I don't want to fully explain the inner workings of magic like a science until much further into the story. I want it to be viewed like a mysterious, uncertain force that can do evil or cause good, meaning that the reader should see it with some trepidation.
"Millions died… if not billions." I wanted it to be view with a certain measure of uncertainty on Sean Davy's part, also with sad reflection. It's not shocking for him, it just a fact he has to accept. A horrible, unforgettable fact, but after years of living through an apocalypse, he's grown used to the idea.
The suicide is a remnant of the person who is Davys, the weaker one, the reflective, depressed person. He begins a gradual shift again into Sean once the battle begins, losing the thoughts of suicide. Davys is the weak one who he can't lose, Sean is the strong one he needs to survive. He almost has the beginnings of a subtle, controlled schizophrenia (Not a full blown Multiple Personality Disorder).
"Normally, the jotün and Davys never really saw eye-to-eye, no pun intended,"
Damn it... i had really thought i deleted that. Funny story though, my 'joking' friend slipped that in when he was reading my story off my laptop. I assume the pun was due to the jotunn being of a height between 8 and 12 feet, and Sean being a regular human.
"Probably the same reason I needed a drink and why the rat was so good today." Another perspective oopsie.
"Jotün mead. Might as will be drinking rubbing alcohol."
Spirits is a much better descriptor, thank you.
“one could easily mistake a friend for an enemy.” Well yes, but did i ever directly say who was on which side? Or what the sides really are? Do you know who Sean is fighting for? Who's attacking? I wanted the reader to come to the conclusion that the sides of good and evil aren't clearly defined, that the dark elves aren't evil, or the light elves are good, or the jotunn are a leaderless horde. I wan't to break away from these fantasy steroetypes of elves, dwarves, and such. I want to make it clear to the reader that race is a reason for why we kill, that know one is especially violent, that we are all capable of killing (Kind of alluding to our own problems with rasism in our reality). After all, it doesn't matter who's trying to kill us, just that they're trying to kill us.
“As the two fought, Sean turtled…” Well i'm sure they get the gist of it. In most english classes, they teach student to understand unknown words through context of the rest of the sentence, which is "...behind his shield" What do you think of a turtle's iconic feature? It's shell. What does it do with a shell? Hide in it for protection. Thus shield.
“The axe came down again… not stopping his attack…” Well, but honestly, most of survival in battle is more than luck than anything, no matter how skilled you are. And the battle, at this point, is weighed on Sean's side, as he has more allies than enemies. And generally, who would be a target to you? The guy busy hacking at a dead body, or the five of his friend about to turn you into a dead body?
“One bullet. Six chambers.” Right at the beginning i mentioned it.
I'm not deleting anything about chances. They're the reflection of a man who has been looking at the chances all his life, one who's been fighting to survive through the most adverse situations. The fact that he's survived this long is a testament to the fidelity of chances. Frankly, he's also probably sick of the chances too, but that doesn't change the fact that they are there. The chances are what tie the beginning to the end of the prologue, they're with him no matter where he goes.
“He had never thought of actually using it, so he never really bothered checking." A revolver has a piece unlock anyother gun called a rachet, this is the spinning apparatus that holds the six chambers (If it's a six shooter) for the bullet to go into. Sean goes day-to-day wearing this thing on his hip and for the last ten years, he's had six bullets, only using five. Generally, when you have something like that for so long, you tend to not notice it, not pay attention to it. It's not his go to weapon, ammo is too scarce, an axe is much more reliable. The force that's attacking has been sieging more monthes at least if there's barely any food in the fortress, and checking your weapon every hour to make sure it's ready for an attack that could come any time is a sure fire way to go insane. Maybe that morning, he forgot to click the rachet in all the way, maybe he didn't give it a full rotation like he usually did and his last bullet wasn't in the firing chamber. It's these chances, the maybe and half conceived thoughts that have and always will control Sean's life, the chances that he's managed to survive. Chances. Chances. Chances. They could make you go insane over the repetition and uncertainty... but maybe that's Sean's story? Insanity.
Thank you so much for this critique. Excuse my response if i seem a bit curt, i've been answering emails all day and i'm just trying to get through typing. But yes, i'll read your story the first chance i can get, but please don't expect me to give such a long critique like you did mine, i just don't have the attention span lol, but i'm sure i can give you some nice advice if i notice anything off kilter. If you want to do more things like this to my later chapters, feel free, just... keep shorter? Please? I love the advice and how complete it is... but so much at one time is mind numbing when i'm done.
--
"The night is far spent, the day is at hand; let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light."
--The Holy Bible: Romans, 13:12
I don't know where you're getting that the dark elves are from Jotunheim in my book, i clearly state that Loki gathered the jotunn from Jotunheim, the dwarves from Nidavellir, and the dark elves from Svartleheim.
hmmm....this must be what i was reading when fenrir tells him to go...its clearly a separate command. every book has those times when you read something wrong to no fault of the book. i mean you can only edit things so much. i remember it being less clear than this but hey..."Then listen to my words: Go to your home of Jotunheim, go to the realm of the dwarves and the dark elves, rally your allies to your cause, and on the fifth night from this one, send forth your army to Asgard's gates. I will meet you there. Be ready, be prepared." maybe add a 'svartalfheim' in that second line...or not either way i think its alright
"What came next ... least of all Davys."
It's an inter-transition for the character. Davys is the one who is stuck in the past, the one focused on everything he lost and not what he truly needs to survive. The man before Ragnarok if you will. But Sean is the person inside of him that is the fighter, the survivor, the thought process he needs to succeed in such a harsh world as this. His full name is Sean Davys, so maybe some people might miss what i'm trying to do with it, but the people who notice it will take so much more away from the story.
yeah i had no idea you were doing that with his name i think it could do with some clarification or expounding and still not come across as obvious...its weird how similar that is to my main character....hes an orphan named richard, but he hates it and i never call him that once he makes it to the other world.....and in book 2 hes going to find out what his real given name is/was, so am i as it were...i havent decided what itll be yet...but i digress
I have debated with myself with capitalizing the names of the different races in my book, so i sometimes have some accidental confusion while type. it should be uncapitilzed though. I did this because we only capitalize things like English, or Italian, or African-American, but do we cap the human? That's essentially what jotunn would be, not a country or heritage, but their species, so it remains uncapped. So you'll find some of these cap accidents regarding the diffrent races.
hmm you make an excellent point...crap now i need to scrutinize my own story and make sure i either capitalize or dont, depending on....anyway if memory serves me, you have capitalized some and not others...just make sure youre consistant....(here comes a ctrl +f party in my word .doc, got to go through seraphs, valkyries, naga....fun fun fun)
The suicide is a remnant of the person who is Davys, the weaker one, the reflective, depressed person. He begins a gradual shift again into Sean once the battle begins, losing the thoughts of suicide. Davys is the weak one who he can't lose, Sean is the strong one he needs to survive. He almost has the beginnings of a subtle, controlled schizophrenia (Not a full blown Multiple Personality Disorder). yeah the whole suicide bit can be a great tool especially with the end of this prologue in mind, but the split between sean and davys needs a buff...
"Normally, the jotün and Davys never really saw eye-to-eye, no pun intended,"
Damn it... i had really thought i deleted that. Funny story though, my 'joking' friend slipped that in when he was reading my story off my laptop. I assume the pun was due to the jotunn being of a height between 8 and 12 feet, and Sean being a regular human.
now thats funny right there....
“one could easily mistake a friend for an enemy.” Well yes, but did i ever directly say who was on which side? Or what the sides really are? Do you know who Sean is fighting for? Who's attacking? I wanted the reader to come to the conclusion that the sides of good and evil aren't clearly defined, that the dark elves aren't evil, or the light elves are good, or the jotunn are a leaderless horde. I wan't to break away from these fantasy steroetypes of elves, dwarves, and such. I want to make it clear to the reader that race is a reason for why we kill, that know one is especially violent, that we are all capable of killing (Kind of alluding to our own problems with rasism in our reality). After all, it doesn't matter who's trying to kill us, just that they're trying to kill us.
kill the streotypes! but maybe a line or a few words clarifying that each side has...whatever...i mean it reads fine on its own but after the comparison between dark elves and light elves it feels like youve put them on one side or the other.
“One bullet. Six chambers.” Right at the beginning i mentioned it. fair enough, i missed it then
i just mean that theres a LOT of repetition with that line. you dont have to cut down on the frequency of when you mention them just the overlapping line after line aspect of those mentions....i think, i didnt get sick of how often i heard him sort of muse about the odds, but rather how drawn out some of those musings were. its a good concept, just so many of the same line back to back....well ill leave it at that
Thank you so much for this critique. Excuse my response if i seem a bit curt, i've been answering emails all day and i'm just trying to get through typing. But yes, i'll read your story the first chance i can get, but please don't expect me to give such a long critique like you did mine, i just don't have the attention span lol, but i'm sure i can give you some nice advice if i notice anything off kilter. If you want to do more things like this to my later chapters, feel free, just... keep shorter? Please? I love the advice and how complete it is... but so much at one time is mind numbing when i'm done.
HAHA fair enough. and no i dont expect anything in return, so no worries. sorry if it was a bit abrupt or abrasive. i normally dont have the attention span for something like this either...but sometimes i get carried away. its an impressive work so dont abandon it ever! its really good and youve also done well with the editing. i think you handled it perfectly, taking in what you agreed with and discarding the rest of what i had to say. you seem like a strong writer. i mean im no pro, or even someone who knows wtf hes talking about half the time but im pretty confident in my comparative abilities and youve got yourself a solid piece of fiction.
just curious, how far along are you?
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"The night is far spent, the day is at hand; let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light."
--The Holy Bible: Romans, 13:12
the critique is pretty blunt and picky, if thats ok, ill just post it as a reply if not let me know and i can copy it and mail it or something...
anyway i thought id toss you a link to my story if youre bored....or want to get revenge on me for being so nit-gritty with yours...
[link]
its about mythology, the 'what if' concept of it all being real and in the present day. it is separate though, i aint doin no percy jackson knock off...
i digress... let me know, and thanks again for your story.
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"The night is far spent, the day is at hand; let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light."
--The Holy Bible: Romans, 13:12
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
>>>>>>>> [link] <<<<<<<
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hows that?
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"The night is far spent, the day is at hand; let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light."
--The Holy Bible: Romans, 13:12
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"If you don't have the eyes to see it, then you don't have the right to know it"